Despair
by Padme Nijiri
Summary: After Endless Waltz, Relena encounters an enemy she never thought she'd have to deal with: herself. Can Heero's help pull her through?


Relena watched the dancers whirl around the ballroom. She whirled the chardonnay in her crystal glass and sipped it. The liquid was pleasant on her tongue and soon she felt the warming affects. The people at the ball continued to whirl and she continued to sip. The ball had started nearly an hour ago. It included a gourmet dinner, and a speech from Relena, followed by more dancing that Relena was not going to partake in. She planned on leaving after her speech.

"Hiya, Princess." Preventer's Agent Duo Maxwell looked smart in his custom-fitted tuxedo. "Howya doing tonight?" His voice chirped on the inflection, before settling down to its normal tone. Relena could have sworn it went with the music in the background.

Relena couldn't help but smile as the former Gundam Pilot and Self-Proclaimed God of Death fingered his tight bowtie. "I'm fine, Duo. Small headache, but nothing that an aspirin couldn't fix." The prime minister winced at a high note from the orchestra. One of the violinists was definitely off.

All the people at the ball were part of the ESUN and their security details. The Preventers were in charge of the security for the main event, but Relena had acquiesced to the requests of the other politicians and had added several non-Preventer security personal to the detail. Heero had been furious with her of course, but she had waved him off and told him to run background checks in triplicate if would make him feel better.

Duo tipped up on his toes. "Those other security guys you sent us, they're doing an ok job. I think Heero's only given his death glare to a couple of them." Duo winced and hopped up and down lightly. "Damn shoes."

Relena giggled and switched out her empty glass for a new one. The night was beginning to improve. Duo's company or maybe the wine was definitely responsible for her markedly better mood.

"Where is our Chief of Security anyway?" Relena tried to keep the tension out of her voice. Her heart still fluttered when Heero nodded at her in the mornings; or when he spoke in low hurried tones, berating her for careless behavior that would eventually lead to her demise.

Duo scratched behind his ear, long braid swinging against his knees. "I think he's in the back checking out the cameras. But, I best be going now. Looks like one of them there pesky political dudes will be asking you to dance."

Relena failed at stopping herself from wrinkling her nose. While, it had been one of her favorite past times, dancing was no longer enjoyable for her. Maybe it had something to do with the incident at the Academy when a building almost collapsed around her, or that Heero had been the last person to truly dance with her. Maybe it was just that Marc Cohen sucked at dancing and couldn't lead a fish to water, much less a woman on the dance floor.

"Vice Foreign Minister Darlian!" The Former United States Ambassador held took Relena's free hand and kissed her on the cheek.

Relena fought back a cough at the stench of cigars that clung to his clothes. He loved the Cuban ones, and Heero had once told her it would be very easy for someone to poison Ambassador Cohen with an inhalant.

Shaking her head from the thought, Relena smiled. "Ambassador Cohen, how nice to see you." She hoped her voice didn't sound fake. Her throat began to swell a little and the headache came back with a vengeance. Allergies to cigarettes and cigars were a lovely thing to have. Relena noticed the Ambassador still held her hand.

"Relena, please call me Marc." He smiled warmly, a little too warmly. "If I may call you Relena, that is?" His dark brown eyebrows rose questioningly at her. His olive skin didn't look good wrinkled, but Relena suspected that Marc Cohen had a line of beauty products to held keep those unsightly wrinkles at bay.

Relena managed to free her hand smoothly. She was sure she could feel the sweat on his palms through her elbow length black satin gloves.

"Of course, Marc." The name sounded awkward to her ears. She didn't like the idea of him calling her by her first name, than she calling him by his. First names, already? Way too intimate for her tastes. What was with Americans treating everyone as a relation after five minutes?

Relena finished her second glass of wine and gave it to a passing server. She almost wished she could have hit Marc Cohen over the head with it as stepped closer to her.

"So, Relena," His hazel stared deeply, or what she supposed was supposed to be deeply, into her eyes. "May I have this dance?" His voice was so smooth. Way too smooth.

"Uh..." Relena coughed, the cigar smell was too much this close. She felt like she was about to feint. "I'm allergic to you." She said it so quickly, Relena wanted to clap a hand over her mouth. You didn't say things like that if you wanted allies in her world!

Marc laughed a little. "That is one of the weirdest rejections I have ever heard." He stepped back. Relena could breathe a little better. His gelled hair caught the light. The wavy dark locks of hair were coiffed fashionably, of course.

Relena couldn't help but chuckle. "Sorry, childhood allergy to cigarette and cigar smoke." Relena grabbed a glass of sparkling water from another passing server. It wouldn't do for the Vice Foreign Minister of the ESUN to giggle like a high-school girl when she said her speech. Never mind that Relena had only turned 22 last month.

Relena sipped her water while Marc walked away. He was tall, at least six foot, and in good shape. Relena knew from the commercials of him climbing on to a boat from a lake or the ocean and endorsing policy against Global Warming. Women loved a dripping wet man in nothing but swim trunks and a snorkeling mask, so Relena had been told. She thought he looked like a fop. Image had become just as important to politicians as much as it always was to celebrities.

"I should have kept him from getting that close to you. You could have died from asphyxiation with a severe enough attack."

Relena jumped when he started speaking from behind her. The water bubbled angrily in her glass. "Hello, Heero. You would have an equal chance of killing me with a heart attack."

The Chief of Security stepped up to stand by Relena's side. "You know, you are behaving like a wall flower?"

Relena choked on her water. He was one to talk."Excuse me?"

"You should be out there," His tan hand gestured at the dance floor, "mingling and convincing people to do what you want them to do." Heero turned his dark blue eyes on her.

Marc Cohen had nothing on Heero Yuy. That was for sure. With two inch heels on, Relena stood at an average five-seven. Heero, on the other hand, stood at six feet and one or two inches. Relena came up to his nose, which would be handy if she ever wanted to shove it back into his head. Late growth spurts did wonders for men. Heero was a wiry muscle that came from martial arts and swimming, not pumping metal or repeated repetitions of sit-ups and push-ups.

Relena looked down herself. Her floor length black evening gown with a high waist matched her gloves. One of the loose shoulder straps slipped down to reveal the matching strap of her black bra. Blushing at the comment and wardrobe malfunction, Relena wished for another glass of wine, or maybe something stronger.

"Heero," Relena sighed. She felt comfortable saying his name. "You know I don't want to be here." She looked up at him. "And you know I'm leaving as soon as my speech is done. Now if you want me to go out there and dance, then perhaps you should ask me yourself!" Relena's head bobbed up and down throughout the short diatribe.

Heero smiled wryly as the dinner bell sounded. "Shall we eat?" He offered Relena his arm, which she took begrudgingly. It would not do for the Vice Foreign Minister to make a scene in the middle of a ball.

********

Relena waited patiently in the foyer of own home while Heero and Trowa checked the house and then the garden for intruders. The state of the art security system indicated that there were no intruders present, but Heero still checked every time. Computers could be fooled, after all.

She had crossed her arms and was tapping her foot five minutes later when they finished their sweep. Trowa nodded at her as he ducked into the kitchen for a snack. Security had not been provided with dinner at the ball. Heero, had been the exception, as her "date" and Chief of Security.

Relena stalked over to wet bar in her living room and quickly filled a dark mug with eggnog and a touch of bourbon and nutmeg. She took her heels off while waiting for the microwave to hear the holiday concoction. Relena looked up, and found Heero watching her from the couch, one arm outstretched. She wanted to chuck one her pointy black shoes at him for the disapproving look on his face.

Relena climbed the stairs and let the drink warm her. It was the middle of winter, and she only allowed her house to be heated to a roasting 60 degrees Fahrenheit. Relena entered her room, the master of the house, and quickly entered the bathroom.

She set the mug down and flicked on the lights. Slowly she raised her eyes to the large mirror in front of her.

Hilde had come over to put her hair up fancy chignon. Helping Relena get ready for parties was the only real time the two friends got to spend together anymore. Relena was too busy trying to stop another world war breaking out, and Hilde was too busy trying to make sure Relena didn't die in the process. But it was good to have another woman to talk to if only occasionally.

Relena stared at herself. She stared at the chignon Hilde had put her hair into. At the diamond pins that peaked out from here and there, bringing light to her face. Relena looked at the artful make-up designed to make her eyes look larger and bluer than they were. The diamond choker that Relena wore caught the light and sparkled. It matched the row of equally sparkling gems that marked the high waist.

Relena reached up and pooled the pins out of her hair, one by one. When her hair was down, she heard a creak in the doorway. Heero's reflection was hidden by shadows. Relena ignored him. She reached for cotton ball from their spot and the make-up remover from its, putting the bottle back when she was done with it. Everything had its place for her.

Heero continued to watch her remove the make-up Hilde had put on. He watched as she revealed laugh lines and the slightly puffy bags under her eyes. Relena watched him watch her turn into one shade of color.

She couldn't stand his gaze anymore. She brought her mug to her thin lips and sipped the drink. Relena felt her scalp tingle from the bourbon. The former princess wanted to scream at him. His gaze was almost too much for her: accusing, demanding, and something else. Finally she turned to him and stepped past him.

"I'm going to change now, you need to leave."

He nodded at her and shut the door softly behind him. Relena imagined the satisfying sound of her mug shattering against the closed door. When she opened her eyes, the mug was still in her hand and there was still a little bit of eggnog left. She downed it and went changed for bed. She couldn't remember why Heero's stare had bothered her or the beating of her heart by the time her eyes closed and her head lay on her pillow.

********

_Some time later_

A ray of sunlight pierced the glass. The reflected pieces of light were tinted yellow with a blue-rainbow edge. Yellow liquid bathed ice cubes and the glass sweated. Relena's fingers wrapped around the wet glass and she lifted it to her painted lips. Absentmindedly she sipped her diluted drink while signing paper work.

Several sips later, a haze took over her mind and Relena wasn't sure why she was even in her office anymore. It was a nice day outside. Legislature could wait, couldn't it?

A knock sounded at the door. "Come in." Her voice sounded a little different to her. Relena placed her head on her hand when she saw Heero enter the office. She couldn't feel her heart make a mad dash to break free of her chest.

"Good afternoon, Relena." Heero's eyes alighted on the glass and narrowed briefly. He'd started doing that recently whenever he found her drinking something while she worked. It was Saturday for Christ's sake, and she was working from home! Wasn't she allowed to indulge a little bit?

Childishly, Relena held the drink to herself trying to protect it from his gaze. How silly she was acting! She set it down and ran a hand through her hair.

"Yes?" She asked, anger tinting her voice. Heero had been paying more attention to her lately, wasn't that a sign?

Heero handed her a paper. She couldn't make out the tiny print, only the large black headline that said classified. "What is this?"

"Ambassador Marc Cohen was murdered this morning." The words were dry and uncaring.

Relena felt the color drain from her face. "Oh." She started to reach for her drink but stopped herself. "Murdered? Only murdered?"

Heero nodded. "One of his more questionable acquaintances went into a rampage after she found him in bed with his cameraman. The woman was caught and is being held. It appears to have been a case of severe jealousy."

"Oh." Relena almost giggled when she heard "cameraman." No wonder Marc looked as good as he did. She'd heard the rumors of course, but brushed them off when he had started pursuing her. Maybe it was just a cover-up. "Well thank you for informing me, Heero." She surrendered to her urge and sipped her drink, hopefully the numbness that accompanied some amount of alcohol would set in soon. The pain in her chest felt horrible.

She turned in her chair and looked out the window. "When is his funeral?"

Heero walked around the chair and took the drink from her. Relena wanted to protest but knew better. "The memorial service will be held in a week's time." He walked out and took her drink with him.

Relena sighed and went over to one of her filing cabinets. She couldn't remember when she had placed the bottle and the glass there. Nor could she really remember why she had done it. Her friend had just died, wasn't that a good enough reason to help herself get through the next week? After the funeral, she'd throw the bottle away.

********

Relena flew to Washington DC the day before Marc Cohen's funeral. The next morning was a mix of gray clouds and scattered sunshine. The soft light hurt Relena's eyes and her head pounded. Groaning she got out of bed and poured a cup of coffee. Suddenly, an idea occurred to her. She grabbed one of the small bottles of vodka from the hotel rooms' bar and emptied the content into the cup. Soon her headache went away and a familiar numbing haze set in.

********

Heero looked in the mirror at his reflection. His eyes were a careful blank as he attempted to ignore the mess before him.

A year ago, Relena's counters had been pristine. She had an organization system that rivaled his own border-line obsessive compulsive order. Now, she left things out. Didn't bother to clean up the powder she spilled while trying to put it on herself. Things had definitely changed.

But nothing had changed quite like Relena. Heero knew there was a drink hiding from him in the corner of the bathroom. He knew of the scotch bottle under the sink, and the vodka bottle in her filing cabinet. He even knew about the canteen full of whiskey in her nightstand drawer where she kept her lingerie.

Yes, Relena had definitely changed, and Heero wasn't quite sure whether he should step in or let the Vice Foreign Minister continue her self-destructive path. He studied her reflection as the honey-haired woman struggled to pin her hair up. Relena's eyes had become a dull blue in a yellow background lined with a few red blood vessels. Her skin hung loosely from her cheek bones, especially for a twenty-three year old woman. Even her elegant form looked not-so elegant in the two-piece outfit she was planning on wearing to the ball tonight.

Heero briefly closed his eyes and remembered the same occasion a year ago. The sweeping black dress had done wonders for her. Then he remembered the two glasses of wine and the desert drink when she got home. Was that when it started? No, Heero couldn't help remember the traditional glass of dinner wine that Relena would never drink and how she had started sipping them down as time passed. Her job, she said, was stressing her out.

Heero snapped his eyes open at the sound of Duo's snickering. He elbowed his fellow pilot in the ribs while observing the mess of lipstick on Relena's face. And then Heero snapped.

"Duo, call whoever is in charge of the ball and tell them Vice Foreign Minister Darlian isn't coming tonight." Heero's voice was a monotone calm.

Relena turned and blinked blankly at him. "But why?" The hand holding the lipstick lowered. "Why, Heero?"

Heero studied her face. She had mascara on her eye-lids, and even he could tell her blush was too dark. No wonder Duo had snorted, Relena almost resembled a clown. Almost.

Heero grabbed the glass in the corner threw out the contents. "You have a problem, Relena." She raised her hand to slap him, and he caught it. "And I'm not going to let it continue while I'm in charge of your security."

"How dare you!" She accused; her dull eyes widened. "I do not have a problem. Especially not a drinking one!" Heero cringed at her breath and the slight slurring of her words.

"Deny it all you want, but you have a problem." Heero dropped here hand and opened the cabinet, pulling out the Scotch bottle. "What's this for, Relena?" His voice was a quiet storm. He unscrewed the lid and put it upside down in the sink.

"Work…I've been stressed." Her eyes didn't meet his.

Heero wasn't done; he yanked open the drawer and grabbed the canteen. "And this?" He held it up to her. Relena's eyes widened in horror. "Or what about the bottle you keep in the filing cabinet?" He poured out the contents and returned to the bedroom.

Relena stood in the bedroom, looking at her hands. "It helps me get through the day. I need it. Please, Heero."

"Is that what it does?" Heero sat down on the bed. "Can you tell me what you've accomplished in the last year?"

Relena's mouth hung open, saliva glistened on her lip. "I stopped the colonies from going to war with one another." She said it feebly.

"No, Quatre did most of the negotiations. Relena, you only signed the checks to endorse him. And even then, you paid him with money he loaned the ESUN."

Heero shook his head at her and reminded her of the catastrophe she had almost caused when a "fan" had handed a piece of paper to sign. The piece of paper had been a bill that would decrease the taxes on the top tier of the tax bracket and increases the taxes on the lowest tier. Heero ripped up the paper before she could hand it back to the man and had had Preventer's agents arrest the man and interrogate him.

"Well, whatever. I've done stuff." Relena went back into the bathroom and attempted to pour the remaining scotch in her glass.

Heero heard a hic-up and went in the bathroom. Relena was huddled over the sink, black tears leaked down her face. "I think I'm going to be sick." She said, and then she lost what she had eaten.

Heero held her and ran the faucet while she vomited. When she was done, Relena looked up into the mirror and choked on a scream. "I didn't wan—want this!" She was hysterical now. And Heero held her while she screamed and cried. It lasted until the morning.

********

_Author's Note:_ It's been a very long time since I've done a Gundam Wing fanfiction, and this is the first time I've dealt with something like this in my writings. Addiction is hard to deal with, I hope this helps someone out there.


End file.
